Memories

The tea would go on. My friend was fighting for her life, there was nothing any of us could do but simply wait and pray, wait and pray, wait and pray. The reality of Janet’s struggle hour by hour for life was foggy for me. Had I totally grasped it I probably would have been immobilized. Shock is an interesting state of being, a buffer zone so to speak. I should have been howling, bawling, heaving but instead I was looking around the room and assessing what needed to be done.

The air was electrified. Women who before the news were there to just provide company started rolling up their shirt sleeves and getting to work. The decorations were coming together. Janet was indeed the reason. This was irony at its best. The woman is not present but present. The behind-the-scenes-decorator is still behind the scenes decorating.

Finally it came time to leave the church and go home. As I was driving away from the church so many memories came rushing to me all looking for a spot, a place to relive. I had to think of the countless times Janet and I had driven away from the church after a function long after every one else had left. Would there be more times like that or was this it? Was the party officially over?

My son,Geoffrey, who is a rough and tumbly fellow with a heart he wears on his sleeves, hopped in bed with me that night. I decided to read the birthday/book card that Janet had sent to me just two weeks earlier. He was all ears as he snuggled up to me. This book had made me cry the first read through and now I wondered if this was the last birthday card I would ever receive from her. If it was, what a winner!

When I finished I looked down at Geoff. He looked up at me and said, “That was really sad.”

On any other given day that book/card would not have been sad but I knew what my little man meant. He said, “ I have had some special times with Janet. She can’t die. She’s so far away, Mom. Remember she would come and pick me up and not even bring Johnny?”

This little guy was feeling the feelings, no denial going on here. We cried ourselves to sleep that night, Geoff and I.