Why did I wake up at three o'clock in the morning when I really need my sleep to accomplish all that lies before me? Who knows. I just know to get up and not turn over! I stumble downstairs and find my bible and stare. My mind is cluttered with condemnation. "You should do this, you should do that, why aren't you doing this, what provoked you to do that, when do you think you will finish this, how are you going to pay for that, when will you write all the thank you notes, what are you going to do about that?"
Hounded!I ain't nothing but a hounded dog. I was talking with a dear woman yesterday about schooling choices. She has decided to send her three school age children to school. The first morning was not so good. When you have prayerfully considered what you are to do and you believe you are walking in obedience, it just stinks when it turns out that way. Standing firm in what we are doing seems to be harder than standing on a boulder near the Maine shore with twenty feet waves crashing onto it grabbing at anything to bring back to the ocean! Honestly!
It hit me while talking to her. Those of us who have home school hearts will always be plagued with intense insecurity and doubts, this is just what I/we have to accept. I remember being a Resident Assistant in college and struggling with the same doubts; am I doing enough for my hall, should I be doing more. My boss encouraged me that this was a sign of my dedication, my caring about the job.
Everyone of us who have children in school or educating them at home should have a "home school heart" which I believe simply put is; caring that their children are receiving what they need by way of knowledge and character development(and certainly not in that order).I will never believe that the choice of our option to educate determines our heart. Parents with children in public or private can have a home school heart like the home schooler. Public, private, or home school are all great choices. What is not so great is when we as parents do not cultivate a home school heart. My friend is hounded and her children are in school, I am hounded and my children are home. We agreed we are forced to prayer! Not a bad thing.
To further this point, the educational option we choose does not determine our heart. There are thousands of parents with a home school heart who send their children to school. Likewise there are many home school parents without a home school heart who should probably be educating their children with a different mode. We can not see the heart! We need to remember this.
So I concluded yesterday, that it is alright if I wake up many mornings at three o'clock filled with a myriad of complicated, insecure thoughts. It just shows that I care and need desperately to bring it all to Jesus! If this is what Jesus has to do to get me to talk to him, it's all good! It's all good! I ain't nothing but a hounded dog!
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