If You Don't Know Me Yet- You Might Want To Keep it That Way-Might Be Safer For You!

If you do not know me, now is probably not the time to get to know me. I am in a bad way. It is not that I am changing, it is that I am feeling freer to share my true feelings. I have always been opionated but of late it is as if I am urged, pushed, persuaded to share freely and openly. However, there is really nothing new going on in my brain but rather a more firm resolve.

In fact I marvel at the consistency of my thoughts that have traveled with me, cognitively, for over forty years. Some of you may be chuckling if you know me. “Lynne, consistent? Ha! That will be the day.” I get this backlash from sharing my stream of consciousness. I would not suggest this modus operandi which I have operated in during my entire life.

Babies do this well, the stream of consciousness. They scream, cry, coo for exactly that moment, knowing exactly what they want. Others might be confused but babies are not confused just misunderstood. My husband pointed out to me this tendency of mine, my inordinate amount of words and spilling of my feelings on the spot. This helped me to understand the source of all the ammo coming at me from acquaintances, friends and family. It all spirals back to me, me, me! Sometimes I want to yell, “DO YOU NOT CHANGE????? OR ARE YOU JUST TOO SCARED TO GIVE ME YOUR CONSTANT CHANGING THOUGHTS???? WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A TRY AND WATCH ME ALLOW YOU TO CHANGE YOUR MIND!”

As a little girl I could not understand the lack of honesty from adults. I watched adults pretend and was puzzled by this. Why pretend? Are we not all in this together? Why the need to make others think differently about your situation, your background, or you? Guess what? I still do not get it! Again, my husband has navigated me through this quandry and has helped me tremendously with understanding decorum, the good kind. Though I do want to yell, “WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOUR SECRET? DO YOU THINK I WILL LIKE YOU LESS? I WILL ALWAYS LIKE YOU MORE WHEN YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!!”

And why are we so secretive about our incomes? As a child I never understood that. What was the pressing need behind this? Again, are we not all in this together? Well, though we are all in this together (especially the Body of Christ) apparently that reality is not necessarily recognized. I tell people all the time we are financially hand to mouth. This is definitely, by some, not received without a tense, constipated pity face. I want to scream, “I AM NOT THE SOURCE OF THE INCOME, YOU ARE NOT THE SOURCE OF YOUR INCOME. WE ARE TO GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. THIS IS NOT MY SOURCE OF SECURITY!!!!!” Thank goodness my income is not a source of my security, I would be sunk.

Well, I better stop. I am just working myself up into a blithering, blubbering Critical-Clara-Chick, and who likes them type of folks? My life has been one of restraint. I do think on my toes and this gets me into tons of trouble and most of what I do is try keep in all the thoughts. You are incredulous with that last statement, for those who know me,. “Lynne, keeps in thoughts? Really?!” Now that ticks me off and makes me howl, “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I HOLD IN. BUT WHY DON'T YOU START SHARING HONESTLY WITH ME AND WE CAN GET IT ALL WORKED OUT !

So, these days, of late, are just bare, raw, sharp, and sometimes downright dangerous for you to be around me. That is if you like pretense, facades, the psuedo christian life, seminars, church programs, maintaining “the look,” and not asking God to lead you.
Otherwise, I am game for hanging with you and even debating issues. Nearing fifty has given me a sense of boldness, what the heck, it should. I have lived half a century, it is time!